We've been conditioned to see anger as the enemy. Whether through religious teachings, parental guidance, or society labeling it as a 'negative emotion,' we’re often taught to run in the opposite direction of it. But if anger is so bad, why do we feel it at all?
The issue isn't the anger itself- it’s how we handle it. Anger can make us uncomfortable, especially when we've been hurt by someone else's. But at its core, anger is a natural response to situations where protection or boundaries are needed. It's up to us whether it becomes a friend or an enemy.
It's important to clarify that when I talk about anger, I'm not just referring to explosive rage or aggression. Anger exists in subtler forms too, like resentment, frustration, jealousy, or irritation. All of these emotions, along with more intense ones like hatred or fury, can play an essential role in our lives if we allow ourselves to engage with them consciously.
Why Anger Is Important for Healing
Processing Grief: Anger is a key part of the grieving process. According to Kübler-Ross’ five stages of grief, anger is the second stage. To move toward acceptance, we must allow ourselves to experience and process our anger.
Drawing Boundaries: Anger serves as an emotional alert, signaling where boundaries need to be set. It protects us by making us aware of what’s not acceptable to us.
Taking Action: Anger is action-oriented. Many life-changing revolutions have come out of anger, but changes don’t always need to be big. If we pay attention to even the subtle signs of anger, we can make important changes in our lives.
How to Make Anger Your Friend
Using anger is a skill that has to be learned. Before learning the skill, we need to allow ourselves to accept it and feel it. Here is what the process may look like:
Accept Anger: Acknowledge that anger, like any other emotion, is valid. If you’ve grown up believing that anger is shameful or destructive, you might suppress it or mislabel it as something else. This only leads to emotional build-up, like a pressure cooker waiting to explode. Instead, give anger its space- it is inevitable, after all.
Experiment With Its Feelings: Use a feelings wheel and focus on the different types of anger. Try to feel them in a calm, safe space and map where they show up in your body. This body map becomes your personal guide for identifying anger in the future.
Keep Anger an Emotion, Not a Trait: When you say "I am angry," you’re identifying with the emotion. Instead, reframe it as "I am feeling angry." This reduces judgment and lets you separate yourself from the emotion.
Keep Anger Management Skills Handy: Experiment with various anger management techniques to find what works best for you. While it’s essential to take action when you're angry, it’s equally important to wait until the intensity subsides so you can respond rather than react impulsively.
Talk to Anger: Ask yourself questions when anger arises: "What do I need right now? What do I need protection from? Where do I need to draw boundaries?"
Reason With Anger: Picture anger as a child throwing a tantrum. Its demands may or may not be reasonable. But instead of ignoring or scolding it, listen and ask, "What reasonable, valid action can I take based on its demands?"
Befriend Anger: Anger can be your friend when you take full responsibility for it. It’s not someone else’s responsibility or fault; it belongs to YOU. When you own your anger, it can help guide and protect you, rather than become a force of self-sabotage or destruction.
Anger is inevitable and real. While it may be valid, the actions you take in response might not always be. Let anger be a helpful force in your life, but make sure to handle it with care and responsibility. Let it guide you, not control you.
