"Everyone needs help." Whenever I hear this generalized statement about therapy, my brain goes, Do they want it though? Because if they do not, it does not matter if they need it.
I love how our society is opening up to the idea of therapy, not particularly for themselves, but to the 'concept' of therapy. However, that also risks using therapy as a band-aid term for anything that does not fit someone’s definition of right, normal, or acceptable: send them to therapy, fix them there. It might have been a band-aid if it were something 'done' to the client, not with the client. And that is not the reality.
Therapy requires choice, freedom, and boundaries. Without choice, there is no accountability, and without accountability, no real therapy happens. Take this example: if someone is constantly told their arrogance is the problem and they finally show up to therapy, they may spend sessions arguing, proving others wrong, or performing politeness instead of being vulnerable. Why? Because the goal itself is shame-driven. What incentive does the client have to pursue this goal? If the incentive to change is not clear, accountability will not follow.
Which also makes me think: when clients come to therapy, whose goals are they really working on? Their own, or the ones handed down by society, family, or partners? I have seen resistance repeatedly when people focus on goals that do not really belong to them. They may comply, but their heart is not in it. Therapy becomes a stage for performance rather than a space for exploration, responsibility, and growth. So, who does it even help?
Therapy works meaningfully when clients choose their own direction and goals, even if those goals diverge from what seems 'obviously problematic behavior'. If someone is deeply patriarchal but wants to work on productivity, that is their call. The work might open other doors over time. But if the process starts from shame or coercion, it might lead to dropouts, relapse, or sabotage.
This does not mean therapists do not draw boundaries. We absolutely do, especially when a client’s chosen direction might risk harm to themselves or others. The point is that our job is not to create "good citizens" or enforce society’s standards. It is to meet clients where they are and focus on what they want for themselves, for their own betterment.
Therapy is not a tool to quickly 'fix' an individual or reshape society. But when someone engages in meaningful work, it can plant a seed of change that extends beyond them. And that only happens when choice is exercised.
If you feel frustration reading this, maybe even helplessness that someone you know will not seek help for behaviors that affect you, I get it. Therapy cannot be forced. But you can reflect on your own life: what accountability do you hold in your relationships? Where do you draw boundaries? How do you respond when someone’s behavior harms you? After all, that is something in your hands.
Without choice, therapy is just a word, just a task, just a band-aid. With choice, it becomes real work that can change lives, and maybe even society one day.
