'Life is Unfair' is a phrase we have heard with anger, anxiety, or sadness. I prefer to call life natural but for the sake of this article let's go with unfair. When people say, "Life is unfair," they're often expressing frustration at unexpected setbacks or heartbreaks, especially if they are living by the rules of life. The deeper the attachment to a rule, the louder the anger when life seems to defy it. But is life truly unfair, or is it that some things are just beyond our control?

We humans crave certainty, patterns, and rules to guide us and they are necessary too for our day-to-day survival. We rely on mental shortcuts to function efficiently; otherwise, we’d be overwhelmed constantly. And while we have control over certain things through patterns and cause-effect thinking, life often disrupts this.

So what happens when things beyond our control occur? When life takes control, our need for certainty is tested. These mental rules work as long as we’re in charge, but humans don’t exist in isolation. Our worlds overlap, and in these overlaps, life often takes over, shattering our carefully constructed rules and leaving us feeling that life is unfair. Life has no rules, no pattern, no guaranteed certainty.

Let's take an example- imagine someone who has worked diligently at their job, following all the “rules” for success, being punctual, consistent, and loyal, only to be laid off due to unforeseen circumstances. In this situation, the unfairness feels sharp because it contradicts the rules they lived by. For them, these traits equal to absolute success.

When confronted with life's unpredictability, people tend to react in one of three ways:

• Victimhood: People can become hopeless, and helpless, and maybe give up on the control they do have. Let just life happen to them.

• Over-control: Others may try to control things that aren’t in their hands. This can lead to self-blame, blaming others, hyper-fixating on an issue, fantasizing, or seeking any way to regain an over-assuming sense of control.

• Acceptance: This involves recognizing that not everything is within our control but some things are. It means moving through the difficult process of grief, acceptance, and taking responsibility for what we can control.

I have hardly seen people resort to the third option even though it seems more sustainable. Maybe we don't choose it because accepting life’s unpredictability can make us question the very rules we live by, the ones we've followed and sacrificed our true selves for. Maybe the feelings of anger, sadness, regret, and anxiety can come up for us. Facing these feelings can ultimately lead us to acceptance.

How do we move towards acceptance, responsibly?

• Accept the limitations of being human. We have the same amount of control over life as anybody else has over theirs. We are just humans and there is a lot that's out of control but there is a lot that is in our control.

• Live by values, not rules. Values give a sufficient sense of certainty, direction, and flexibility as compared to rules or goals. It helps us minimize our regrets in life.

• Accept grief and regret. Sit through the uncomfortable feelings of anger, confusion, sadness, and apathy, and still decide to accept them.

• Build an internal sense of safety. Learn the skill of resilience. Let yourself know whatever happens you will be there to handle it. Whatever happens, you will take responsibility for dealing with it.

• Recognize coping systems you have established as a result of suppressing your needs and emotions that go against the 'fair' view of the world.

• Slowly try to accept the parts of you that do not align with this 'fair' view of the world.

Here is a tool that can help you visualize the level of control you have: https://positivepsychology.com/circles-of-influence/.

In the end, I’d like to say: while life may seem unfair, that doesn’t make us powerless. As humans, we have limits and strengths. Whatever life brings, we are responsible for how we deal with it. We love patterns, but life is just life.