Whenever someone goes through a breakup, the most common advice I hear is: “Focus on yourself.” Even a lot of clients come into therapy with a post-breakup goal of cultivating self-love. In pop culture, too, it usually feels like there’s a binary choice: either choose yourself or choose someone else.

But can self-love really replace romantic love?

The answer is: both yes and no.

Yes, if we're talking about our individual needs in a romantic relationship.

No, if we're talking about our relational needs in a romantic relationship.

Let me explain with a common example of the first:

When we start defining ourselves, whether we’re lovable or unlovable, wanted or unwanted, based on how the other person treats us, we’re trying to meet an individual need (self-worth) in a relational space. That’s a heavy burden for any relationship to carry, and it’s unfair to both people. Our sense of worth isn’t someone else’s responsibility to give or take.

The same goes for other individual needs like a sense of safety, emotional regulation, power, autonomy, and self-expression. These are needs we can and must learn to meet within ourselves. A partner may support us in the process, and their presence might be appreciated, but they aren't essential for it.

So yes, in this context, self-love can replace romantic love.

But when it comes to needs like companionship, connection, and belonging, those are relational. We do need others. Self-love can’t fill the space of shared laughter, physical closeness, emotional intimacy, or simply being witnessed in life.

Here’s a helpful Human Needs Wheel to illustrate the difference between individual and relational needs:

It’s understandable if the difference between these needs still feels a little fuzzy. Here are a few questions that might help you untangle what you’re really needing:

• Am I wanting connection or craving certainty?

• Do I miss the person, or do I miss how I felt about myself when I was with them?

• Am I longing for connection, or am I trying to escape my own discomfort?

• Am I craving emotional intimacy, or am I hoping someone will fix something I feel broken about inside?

  
  

The bottom line is, both individual and relational needs are valid, and they serve different purposes. When we expect one to replace the other, we end up feeling stuck or emotionally dysregulated.

Instead of choosing one over the other, let’s take responsibility for recognizing what our needs are and then asking honestly, who or what can meet them best right now?